The things that make you say, "Wait....what?"

It's been one of those days again at work. I had halfway expected it, because it was Friday the 13th when I got here (gotta love night shift, because the day changes halfway through your shift). We get a lot of those calls that make you scratch your head or just sit for a second with your mouth open in disbelief...and we got a couple good ones earlier, that made me think of some others I've taken or been here for. So, for tonight's blog, a list of those calls or comments that make you stop and say, "Could you repeat that?"

Lady: My dog is going crazy. He's a prostitute dog, you know, like a drug dog and he's barking.

Man: I've been throwing up black stuff for 3 hours.
Me: I'll get you an ambulance on the way.
Man: I don't want an ambulance, I want you to tell me what this stuff is.
Me: (mentally) Gross? Nasty? Death? A cause for an ambulance? (verbally) I can't give you medical advice sir. Would you like an ambulance?
Man: Nah I'll just sleep it off.

Lady: I've taken pictures, mapped out a trail of the blood spatter, and I'm trying to get a mold of the teeth marks. Can you send me an officer to make an official report?
Me: Ma'am what's happened? Who is hurt?
Lady: My cat was bitten by something. Probably the neighbor's dog. Maybe officers can get some hair samples and help me prove it.
Me: (once I recovered) Ma'am officers don't come out to that.
Lady: Well then what do I do about my cat!!!!!
Me: An after-hours vet is probably the best bet ma'am.

Man: A troll threw me in a ditch. I need an ambulance.

Lady: I called 25 minutes ago about an ambulance.
Me: Ma'am an ambulance is on the way, you only called 6 minutes ago.
Lady: The Grim Reaper is gonna take me before they get here. Don't you care if I die? Y'all are just sorry.
Me: (again after a short recovery period) Ma'am they are coming as fast as they can, but they have to drive there and drive safely.

Man: I need an ambulance.
Me: Yes sir. What's wrong?
Man: I think I'm dying. I haven't eaten in a week and I can smell my kidney's from the other room.

I didn't have a response for that other than to send an ambulance, because I still haven't figured out how he got into a different room from his kidneys or why they smelled.

Lady: These here dogs need help. Someone glued them together. They can't get separated and the one on bottom is moaning like it's in pain.
Me:Ma'am the dogs are fine.

No, I wasn't willing to tell her they were copulating. Not a chance.

There are days when my job is very stressful, or sad, or hard. But some days it's downright funny....after I recover enough from the shock to laugh.

911 vs. 411

I am the first one to tell you that a lot of the time my job is funny. Yes, it has stressful moments and hard moments and heart breaking moments, but a lot of the time, it's just flat out funny. What is the definition and purpose of 911? A number you call in case of emergency to get assistance. Maybe it is the definition of the word emergency that people need a refresher course on. I have had people call 911 and ask what time it is. I've had people call and ask for a phone number. I've had people call and ask what time the fireworks or the parade start. And for the past two days we've had some pretty intense storms. People have called in trees down, lines down, lightening strikes starting fires...this is all fine. Good use of 911, even when we do receive 10-15 calls on the same tree. However, this is not 411. I am sorry your power is out, but no, I don't have time to look up the number to the power company for you. There are hundreds of people calling to report fires, wrecks, power lines in the road, trees on houses, along with the normal problems like fights, medical emergencies, alarms, missing people, etc. I have no control over whether your power is on or off. I have no control over whether your water is on or off. If it's a huge storm, yes I know why your power is off, and so do you if you stop to think about it. I can't fix it any more than you can. This is not a good reason to call 911.

Me: 911
Old Man: My power's been off for a full day!
Me: Yes sir, a lot of people have power outages, due to the storm. You would need to call the power company.
Old Man: It's dark! I'm not feeling well! I need my power back on!
Me: Yes sir, I understand but you'll have to call the power company.
Old Man: You call em. They'll do it for you.
Me: Sir, I can't do that. We can't do that for everyone, and the 911 lines are ringing. You will have to call them.
Old Man: Then give me the number.
Me: Sir, if you don't have an emergency I'm going to have to get off this line so emergency callers can get through
Old man: Lady, you are a *&%$@. Click
Me: *sigh*

Me: 911
Lady: I got up to get ready for work and my water's out
Me: Yes ma'am, there's a problem with a ruptured water main in your area. Water company has already been notified and they are working on it.
Lady: I have to get ready for work! I need water!
Me: Ma'am there is nothing 911 can do about that.
Lady: It says in the phone book to call 911 for water emergencies.
Me: Yes, that is if your house is flooding or something of that nature.
Lady: Well I want to make coffee and that's an emergency to me!
Me: (internally) I'd want coffee too (externally) There's nothing I can do ma'am. They are working on the problem
Lady: %&#$ You! Click.
Me *sigh*

Later, I laughed at these. At the time I shook my head. And it does get funnier. Some day I'll tell you the one about the lady who was trying to give CPR to a possum she'd accidentally run over. Good stuff.